Speaking of Guilt and Mothering...

If you've read my profile, you've probably noticed that I'm what most would call a "working mom" in that I work 40+ hours away from home and leave my child in the care of another - in my case, my mother. Since LilyBaby was born a little more a year ago, actually since I got pregnant with LilyBaby, coming on two years now, I've been advised by various people about what I should and should not be doing with my life and with the life of LilyBaby - in regards to mothering but also in regards to work.

I have always found these comments interesting, if not somewhat offensive, because I had never experienced this advice before becoming a mother. Before I became a mother I was always encouraged to get my education, to devote myself to my career, and to be the best at what I do. Of course, like all good Americans, I was told happiness and prosperity with ensue as a result of all this hard work. Okay, fine. I got my B.A., I got my M.A., I even got to the final step in a Ph.D. program. Up until LilyBaby was conceived, applause from all around. Even though I was married, it was generally assumed that LilyDaddy and I would take care of each other and that we should both be able to pursue our scholarly interests. It didn't matter that his salary is very healthy and could easily support us both; what mattered is that I used my education to the fulfillment of myself. Why should I depend on any man for my livelihood? Again, great. I have no problem with this. LilyDaddy and I both work very hard to earn what we've got and we both understand that our salaries are needed to support the goals we have for present and, more importantly, for future.

Then came LilyBaby. For some reason, a lot of people assumed that because I was embarking into motherhood, my views of womanhood had somehow changed. No one mentions the possibility of my finishing my Ph.D. except for my husband and many give me curious looks when I relate that I am not really interested in being a stay-at-home mom. They are especially curious because they somehow "know" that my husband's profession would permit me to stay at home without much cause for financial alarm. What I'm realizing more and more is that there is an assumption that when one becomes a mother, that is all a mother wants or should want to be. Hence, the introduction of intensive mothering. Anyone interested in womens' studies is familiar with the term or at least the concept of intensive mothering. As the term implies, intensive mothers are those mothers who are...well intense when it comes to mothering. Gender and social theory believes that these intensive mothers arise from ideological statements, both subtle and not, communicated to women. These statements tell moms that only if they perform an action a certain way will their child stand to reach their greatest potential. What action? You name it. Just walk down the parenting isle of your favorite bookstore. Everything from breastfeeding, to sleeping, to potty training, to discipline, to education....the list goes on and on. If you don't breastfeed your child for one year, if your fifteen month old still wakes in the middle of the night for a bottle, if your toddler is 3 and still is not potty-trained, then you are a failure as a mother. Everyone has an opinion and no one mothers correctly.

Suddenly women who were once so supportive and understanding were experts at everything related to mothering. And the comparisons made to their children...don't even get me started. So what is the appeal of intesive mothering? Well, the appeal is multi-fold. First, I find that intensive mothering speaks to many womens' sense of competitiveness. This competitiveness that comes natural for some and has been developed in the educational world in which many of us have profited. See, we weren't taught to be compassionate accountants and professors; we were taught to compete. So, when faced with staying home, what better place to compete than with the raising of children? I guess it's better than competing for who has the cleanest house, but I'm sure that factors into the competition somehow.

Another appeal or dis-appeal of intensive mothering is the inordinate sense of guilt that is automatically built into the concept. In fact, intensive mothering could not stand without it. It's this idea that if you are not in-line with the current research on child rearing than your child is undoubtedly bound to suffer. You didn't teach your baby sign language? Now she'll never be able to communicate her frustrations and the psychological damage she'll suffer is irreversable! Now, most of us can laugh it off. But, after hearing so many many messages including those that contradict each other, it becomes more and more difficult to have confidence in what you're doing. And if you're a working mom, forget about it. You don't even have enough time to spend with your child let alone care enough to devote the time needed to her rearing.

The media and our conservative society, in general, avidly supports the idea of intensive mothering. And why not? It encouraged mothers to stay home, to turn down promotions and opportunities for advancement at work, to stay in unhappy marriages, and to have more kids! Ah...the preservation of the lower middle class and patriarchy. Two in one!!! If you doubt that society supports intensive mothering, I encourage you to turn on the news. Just yesterday I heard about a child being kidnapped from daycare. And you can usually count on a story about a wayward nanny who abuses the child in her charge. What is the message? Mommy should not leave her child in the care of others; she should take care of the child herself. What we don't realize is how rare these cases are. I mean, really, how often are children kidnapped from daycare? And, for the record, the child was quickly found. But the message was clearly related nontheless.

So what's real? What I have found is as long as a child is loved and supported in a home environment, the child is going to do just fine. Not every child is going to be a genius, but every child has gifts. What is important in raising a child is how to foster those gifts. Truth be told, a secure environment that consists of a combination of both day care and home is fine. And before you say, it's fine but it's not ideal, I would say...nothing is ideal. Even those stay at home mom situations are not always ideal Sometimes I think my LilyBaby would be better off in day care but...I've given into the idea of intensive mothering a bit...and so has my mother.

The ideology of intensive mothering is pervasive and it's difficult, if not impossible, to break out of. The best a young feminist can do is be aware of it, study it, and continue to read feminist works for support to counteract the pressure. My battery is running low; that's all for now.