Summer Updates

Sometimes I'm really glad that no one reads this blog. It allows me to write a little more personally. This summer has been so sad thus far. With the recent loss of my brother, I find myself turning more and more inward. I'm more angry than I have been and I'm tending to trust less and less. Trust has typically been an issue with me, anyway, and now even more so.

This all took an interesting turn today when my sister-in-law asked about how we can all get along better as a family. I didn't really know how to answer that question that I've been avoiding for going on eight years now. I did tell her that it would probably help to have an airing of the grievances. I don't know, though, if this will actually help. It might make things worse. I do know there have been a lot of hurt feelings all around but, honestly, I'm just too exhausted to care. My husband, who is actually related to these people, shows little interest in resolving the issues that lie beneath...so I don't know if I should bother either. It takes too much energy.

Back to school. I'm finding out that I tend to throw myself in my work when I'm upset or depressed. Work is a good distraction and I'm pretty good at what I do. Oh well...who knows where all this will lead?

More School Politics

So why is it that as soon as I get a little say in what goes on in our department and start enjoying the service I am providing to teachers and students, the fit hits the shan? This year, the most distressing part of the job for me has been the disappearance of one of our teachers. No, he was not kidnapped and no he did not run away. Rather, he was placed on leave after an incident involving his mouth. Problem is, the beloved teacher has never been told one way or another whether he is coming back next year. So guess where this puts me? Yup, right in the middle. I am feeling especially bad this week because I recently learned that we hired his replacement - the woman who was subbing for his classes. Yes, I showed enthusiasm over her hiring because I know she was hoping for it and because I think she is a competant teacher. BUT...now the other teacher finds out and I made to feel like the back-stabber because I supported the hire of the replacement.

I have not yet developed that tough skin that many long-time teachers and administrators boast about. I still care about others' perception of how I do things. I still want to be as fair and as kind as possible. But this job is really hard, politically. Thank God I have decided to stay away from higher-level administration at this point. I don't think I would survive until I learn how to better navigate the game.

A Bunch of This and That...At Work

I haven't written in awhile. Work has been somewhat stressful lately. In the course of about six weeks, we've had lay-offs of teachers, the resignation of a principal and vice-principal, the appointment of both, and a revelation about a co-worker that I considered my friend. There is also the impending news that our current president is also going to resign this year. Good times.

But rather than complain about all of those concerns and troubles, I have decided to use this post to talk about the new curriculum changes that have taken place under my direction. We have decided to re-infuse the Catholic into our curriculum through themes. Our freshman theme deals with community, our sophomore theme with identity formation, our junior theme with actions and convictions, and our senior theme with leadership. All of these themes coincide with our characteristics of Catholic education which we proclaim to follow so I am pleased. It also seems that our high school is taking a more conservative turn with the replacement of all administration. I don't know how to feel about this honestly. There is a part of me that feels that all of the work we have worked towards is about to be thrown into question because the current vice-principal who assigned us the work is now about to leave. The promising news is that the two new administrators are recently former teachers. That could be a plus. I have also heard that both intend to teach a class next year too. What worries be, though, is that these jobs were not open to the public. These appointments were made without anyone given the chance to express interest - inside or outside. These important positions could be with us for many many years so this seems to give me the impression that the time will come for me to leave my school before too long if I seriously want to pursue administrative roles.

In other news, I have given up my seniors for next year. I just don't feel that I do those students justice because I don't have the patience to address them when senioritis sets in. So, I'll be sticking with the juniors - both APs and regulars. In better news, my car is just about paid off. This means I will definitely have more flexibility in work scheduling and this might be my last full-time year. I will hate giving up my department chairmanship but I have heard there are people against me in the position, one of which is supposedly a good friend - as I mentioned above. I will have to tread very carefully in the upcoming year.

If you want to get a sense of just how stressful things are, consider this: coming home to two crying babies is more peaceful and relaxing than being at work. That's just strange.

In the contract for next year - no gossiping and no misrepresenting the school to the public. Again, good times. Good thing I neither go to church nor talk to parents. I don't go to church, btw, because Liliana simply will not cooperate. Sometimes my mom will keep her but other times, we just can't make it. It's really sad actually. Last week, we got to go with just Baby Brian and it was quite invigorating. Hoepfully, things will get better with Lily soon.

Off to have lunch with the in-laws. Again, good times.

Tis the Season for New Babies

A lot of members of our peer group (I hesitate to call them friends because they're mostly acquaintences of my husband's) are having babies this season. I can think of at least three off the top of my head and I'm probably leaving a few out. New babies bring new hope. They're blessings, right? I keep telling myself that at about 3am when LilyBoy is finally asleep after his second night-feeding and I'm just about to doze off when LilyBaby wakes up, wanting to come to mommy and daddy's bed. Recently, I read a woman's blog who wrote something about mothers that upset me quite a bit. She and her husband have been married about five years. And she wrote that she hopes when has children she does not lose her identity and her relationship with her husband. They have gotten so used to having lots of time alone together, doing what they want, going where they want, etc. that the thought of children scares them about limitations.

Well, of course, this got me thinking. You see, I also remember the times John and I had before the babies came. It was wonderful having so much freedom, so much closeness with my husband. I asked John, last night, whether he was ever jealous of childless couples who have the freedom we used ot have. He says "ho." How I wish I could be like him. This is a man who gets home from work after 9 hours and does not hesitate to pick up the baby, change him, play with LilyBaby, make dinner, make a pitcher of tea, fold the laundry and keep LilyBoy downstairs while mommy goes upstairs and takes a nap with LilyBaby. He is a true gem and I am very lucky. But, I wonder...how can he not miss the time when our life was not so hectic? I'm sure he doesn't. I don't think he's lying. But, still, I do find myself advising young couples to enjoy the time they have together now because it will be different once the babies come.

Back, though, to my "friend's" comment about individuals losing their identities when they become parents. I don't think that's true. I feel we take on different identities - identities that include the role of parent, but we do still retain that sense of individuality that drew our spouses to us in the first place. I told my friend that while life does change for the couple who has a child, the couple who has a good marriage can grow to love each other in a different and deeper way. Above, I spoke of what a wonderful man I am married to because of how willing he is to help me with the children and how devoted he is to his family. I wouldn't have necessarily seen this side of him had we not had a family. When I married John I knew he would make a wonderful father someday, but I never would have guessed just how wonderful. Yes, we can't fly off to Europe at a moment's notice and simply going to the movies takes a lot more planning than it used to but the core relationship - that between me and my husband - is solid and sound...and that is what makes for a great family life.

As the chidlren get older, I know that John and I will be afforded more freedoms. Freedom to read a book, to shower, to eat a meal together as opposed to in shifts, to watch a telelvision show or movie in its entirety, to stay up past 9pm and still get a good night's sleep without interruption, etc. We are just at a stage where I look back on our childless days and realize that we had it pretty good then. But this is good too.

So, back to the question. How have John and I retained our identity as a couple separate from our children? That's the question that I wanted to answer. Here are some points I've come up with:

• We share private jokes with one another and can still laugh when we want to cry
• We laugh and laugh and laugh together...at each other, at outselves, and the kids, at our situation, etc. In fact, we're convinced that it is our sense of humor and ability to laugh together that will see us through everything.
• We pray together - in our own way. Again, ususally invovles deep theological discussions rather than actual prayer but we do keep God in our lives.
• We do have date nights....though the date night may consist of a trip to Toys R Us and Target, we do get the opportunity to get away by ourselves for while...only to find we miss the children after a couple of hours.
• By keeping up with news, politics, religions, etc. my husband and I are able to have converstaions over a nightly meal about topics other than the children.
• Because we both work, my husband and I also have lives separate from each other and from our children. This allows us to reconnect when we are together.
• We still dream as a couple. We still set goals for what we want to achieve and look for ways to make those goals come to fruition. Our goal right now...we want to move to another state. We may have to wait until after the recession is over but it is a goal of ours nontheless.

To conclude, then, parents who want to do and can have identities separate from their children. In fact, I can't think of too many couples or people who don't. Maybe the problem with my friend is she hanging out with the wrong type of parents. Who knows? All of our friends have always had identities separate from, yet connected to, their children.

And a final point...and this is going to sound really corny considering I consider myself a feminist. How can love for a spouse not grow when you look at your little child and see your spouse in that adorable little face? Both of my children look very much like my husband and, to me, that's pretty darn cute and adorable.

Realizing Something About Mothering That I Guess I Already Knew

With the arrival of our second child in three years, I was convinced that some kind of maternal moment would overtake me. I would beg my husband to let me stay home with our two babies and trade in my high heels for a baking apron. I would have no problem selling my car, foregoing my costly cosmetics, and my savings account for the sake of the children.

Well, that maternal moment never arrived. I've been at home with the two children now for a little over two weeks and am continually drawn to my workplace - through papers that I did not finish before LilyBoy was born, through emails that need my immediate (not really) responses, through communicating with my temporary replacement (yes, she was hoping for the maternal moment too that would make her job more permanent). I can't help it; I was not meant to be a stay-at-home mom. Finally, I'm at peace with that. Now, I know some may criticize and say "Then why did you have that second baby" but before you even go there, let me remind you that this second pregnancy was sooooooo not planned. In fact, it was anti-planned. I am 1 in 1000 women for whom the birth control device failed. Yes, I could have terminated but....my husband and I chose to be open to life throughout our marriage.

So, what does this mean for the two we've got? Well, it means it's time for a nanny to step in. My mom has been so wonderful to take care of LilyBaby for us while we both work but my husband and I both realize that asking her to take care of two would be too much for anyone - including myself. So I'm in the market for a mommy's helper - hopefully a cheap one. My mom will supervise the mommy's helper and the mommy's helper will never be alone with the children because my mom will always be there. Who could ask for better. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to going back to work and seeing if I can make a go of a full-time position though I am open to the possibility of part-time. And, even though I'm a Catholic, I will continue to pray and pratice that God does not "bless" us with another little one - for at least four or five years. My body really needs a break from the c-sections.

Family Frustrations

This week begins the week of Thanksgiving which means having to put up with family that I have done my best to avoid all year. This year, my recently divorced brother-in-law will be making his first Thanksgiving visit in years. What does this mean? It means we are expected to drop everything and run to visit. Now, if John's brother had been a nice guy all along, had shown any remote interest in our family whatsoever, I might be so inclined to visit. But, there has been a lot of hurt. Now, his mother (my mother-in-law) will say he is not responsible for the hurt; the hurt is all a result of the wicked wife he just divorced. Of course, I don't buy it. He is perfectly capable of picking up a phone and calling his brother. He is also capable of sending a quick email or note just to say "hi". This all came to a cusp when I had LilyBaby. After experiencing a very hard delivery that ended in an emergency c-section, John's brother did not even bother calling to either express concern or ask about his new niece. Never a gift or card was sent. In fact, we never even heard from them until that following Christmas (Lily was born in March). Since his divorce, the man still has not bothered calling and expressing interest in Lily or his new nephew on the way.

So, what are we, as practicing Catholics to do? On our end, we've always tried to be open to the possibility of healing the relationship. I encourage John to send his brother birthday cards and I have encouraged him, in the past, to call him every now and then. I just got tired of John doing all the chasing and never getting a response. So, we're at the stage now where the question is "Now what?" Just keep trying? For me, I need to let my brother-in-law know how he has hurt us before we can move on. But I know my mother-in-law prefers passivity. Passivity does not work with me; in fact, it just tends to make things worse. It makes my resentment build; it makes me angrier.

Oh well, I will ocntinue to pray for guidance. In the meantime, I'm planning my own Thanksgiving dinner. I have told my in-laws they are welcome at our house for dessert but that I am not going over there. I'm using my nine-month pregnancy as an excuse. At this point, that is all I can manage.

A Post on Money

Money - the root of all evil? I don't know about that. What I do know is that Jen, over at the Conversion Diary, has written a post on the two-income trap. To sum up, it's the argument that most Americans, today, live beyond their means and need two incomes to "keep up with the Joneses". Now, who is to blame for such a trap? Well, there's enough blame to go around. Yes, there are the people who have chosen to live beyond their means or who desire more than they can afford. There is the consumer culture that encourages spending at all costs - even during times of national distress and war. There are the corporations/banks that entice us with their credit acccounts, encouraging us to take on more debt that we can possibly handle, etc. Now, what I was trying to emphasize in my comments to Jen is that it would take a major shift in culture to go back to a time when one-income households were the norm. Our economy is driven by the two-income household. I mean, just look at our houses. Do homebuilders even make houses that cost less than 100K anymore? It seems those houses have been allocated to the less desireable parts of town, meaning that if you do to purchase one your security and school district will be in question. I guess you could choose to be a life-long renter but...that presents its own troubles in that you will never have any built up equity which is how most working people build savings.

Another way our culture has assimilated itself to the two-income household is in the way it allocates funds for health care and for retirement. In the 1950s, most wage-earners were promised a pension after so many years of work. This eliminated the need for retirement savings which allowed for more spendable cash. Today, pensions are virtually non-existent - especially decent ones on which you can actually live. So, wage-earners have to set aside money for retirement. If they are lucky, their company will match some of what is put in. But that, too, might one day be a thing of the past. Back in the good old days (ha), health coverage for an entire family was also covered by an employer. Again, this eliminated the need for a wage-earner to allot a sizeable amount of income to health insurnace. Today, it is expected that every wage earner cover him/herself and those darn kids' coverage is not cheap. I guess what I am saying, here, is it has become very difficult if not impossible for a family to subsist on one income. Now, there are many out there who will brag about living in 500 sq ft tool sheds and driving cars that are older than themselves. And, while that is admirable for them, even they have to admit that their counterparts in the 1950s would not have considered this standard of living to be acceptable. Even back then, the standard of living for any nuclear family was to have decent housing, reliable transportation, a sound education, and opportunity for advancement - again, very difficult for a family living on one income. How will said tool-shed living family send their child to college. Let's face it, not every child is going to get a "full-ride" scholarship.

I'm frustrated with arguments like these because they tend to go against the family values argument. It seems that if this culture were truly one of family values, there would be more movement towards making families more capable of achieving the one-income lifestyle. It is unfair to assume that all two-income households are greedy, self-centered, and/or don't love their children. The more common scenario is that two-income households live modestly and rely on those two incomes to simply make ends meet. Most tw0-incomers want decent education for their children, want to live in a decent (not ostentatious) neighborhood where they can take their kids outside in the evenings, and want to save for their retirement and kids' education. In other words, we two-incomers want to be self-reliant and self-sufficient like the conservatives tell us we should be. Seriously, if we're about family values, what about providing a real tax benefit for those parents who stay home with their children? What about some extended maternity leave that allows a mother to keep her job secure for a couple of years? What about affordable health insurance that does not cost the primary wage-earner 1/3 of their monthly check? What about helping families with secure retirement savings that allows them to invest a little and get a lot (okay now that's probably not possible but you get the idea)? In this culture, it seems we talk out both sides of our mouths. We give lip service to family values but when it comes down to actually supporting families, we don't do it. Instead, many many stay-at-home parent households are forced to survive on a hand-to-mouth basis while convincing themselves they are perfectly content with that. And we wonder why the majority of divorces cite finances as a primary reason for the dissolution?

I should probably put my cards on the table now. My husband and I are both college-educated professionals. Yes, he earns more than me but my salary is nothing to scoff at. When LilyBaby was born and, now that we are expecting LilyBoy, we have talked and talked about the idea of my staying home for a few years or about working part-time. This would enable me to spend more time with the children (which I really really want) and it would enable us, as a family, to have more time in the evenings and on the weekends to do something other than catch up on errands and housework. Yes, we own a home; in fact, we own two. One is rented out. The one we live in was purchased well-below what we could afford. We purchased it with the intent of my staying home once we had children. We have two cars - one is paid off; the other, well, it's our little gas-efficient car. We have no debt currently, praise God. Budgeting for my staying home would mean several things: 1) less retirement savings; 2) no college savings; 3) less income for mortgage and bills which may lead to a taking on of debt in order to purcahse other needed items like clothes and some fun things; 4) a ginormous health insurance bill. And, that's just what we can calculate. Now, theoretically, we're supposed to be happier, right? Sadly, I don't see that happening. I see myself stressed out because of our financial situation and becoming snappy at my husband for working too much (surely, he would begin working over-time to make up for the loss of income). I see my husband becoming silently fussy over my decisions to purchase an extra flingy thing at the store that was not budgeted for. I see my husband starting to assert his "suggestions" over where and what I should buy for the children. These are not necessarily bad scenarios, they are just what is likely. I don't see either me or my husband being happy with these scenarios. I have always seen myself as working to help the family - to give the family more financial peace. This is how I love my family; this is how I serve them.

I think, in order to give families more real choice over whether to stay home, there needs to be a cultural shift that values the stay-at-home contribution and serves to enable stay-at-home families to stay home while still maintaining some form of decent living standard. After all, isn't that what the American Dream is all about? Or is the American Dream really dead after all?