Coping with Non-Catholic Family Divorce

This is a topic which has been weighing on my mind quite heavily for quite some time. In fact, I know it has affected my relationship with my in-laws for the worse, yet it is impossible for me to explain it to them. I have talked about it with my husband (a Catholic) and my mother - who both understand my sentiments completely...but it still bothers me that I can't seem to neither get it off my mind nor express my feelings with those it directly involves. So, here's the situation...

My husband and I have been married a little over seven years now. It's a mixed-culture marriage. I come from a very close, large Mexican-American assimilationist Catholic family; he comes from a small (not so close) Protestant non-denominational family. He is the middle child of three - with one older brother and one younger sister. Being that we've been married for more than seven years, I have known my in-laws for almost nine. Okay, during our seven years of marriage, I have seen both my brother-in-law and sister-in-law marry and divorce under different circumstances.

My brother-in-law was married in a Lutheran church in big fashion. The idea of sacrament was there and the marriage seemed pretty solid. These two were together for about 9 years, I guess, and have two children. Then, one day, out of the blue....we get a call from brother-in-law telling us that he and his wife are getting divorced. Now, don't get me wrong, brother-in-law's wife is not my favorite person in the world...but what bothers me is the way in which my in-laws respond to the news. I took the news very hard. Hard because, for me, the death of a marriage is always tragic. It was also hard because, like a death, I expected some kind of family mourning period for the dissolution of the marriage itself. For me, this would have communicated a genuine caring for the married couple, a love for the daughter-in-law, support for the children involved, and just...genuine respect for the sacrament of marriage. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying whether the two should have stayed together or not...that's none of my business....but I was expecting a mourning period. Sadly, that mourning period was not to be. I soon found out that my brother-in-law was and is having an extra-marital affair (the divorce is not yet final) and, worse, my parents-in-law don't seem to have a problem with that. In fact, they try to justify the fact that my brother-in-law was involved with someone other than his wife. It was her fault, in other words, not his. Before news of the divorce, my parents-in-law let on that they were very supportive of their daughter-in-law. I couldn't say anything negative about her or question her motives without their coming to her defense. Now, to me, it seems they have completely turned on her and are all excited over the prospect of a new woman for their son.

My sister-in-law is another sad story. She is younger. She got pregnant at 19 with her sweetheart's child. She was pushed into marriage before the baby was born because "she was going to marry him anyway". In fact, the marriage was decided to take place three weeks after the pregnancy was confirmed. Both my husband and I were disappointed...not with the baby...but with the quick marriage. There was no indication that these two were ready for marriage and it was clear that had there been no pregnancy there would have been no immediate wedding. My husband did make his feelings known to his sister and his mother - only to find himself shushed and scolded on the days leading up to and the day of the wedding. Sure enough, the marriage lasted less than three years. That's not the problem. It's good that she was able to get out of that marriage that was no good for her or her baby. Again, my issue is with the response to the divorce. Before she even moved out of the house, my little sister-in-law was involved with another man whom she is now living with, for all intents and purposes, and with whom she now plays spouse with. Okay, that's not unusual in our day and age unfortunately. What is unusual is the way her parents (my in-laws) were able to reallocate their affections from one husband to the new boyfriend so quickly. Hubby's chair wasn't even cold yet and they're welcoming boyfriend with open arms and talks of another marriage. For me, even though I was no fan of first marriage, this message is not a good one to anyone.

Rather than stick my nose into how this message is bad for others in the family, I'll focus on how these messages have affected me and my family. I am now convinced (whether justly or mistakenly) that my in-laws' feelings for me are insincere. How could they be sincere? I think they express love for me in the same way they expressed love for their former daughter-in-law and former son-in-law. How quickly their feelings were reallocated to someone new. They were also so quick to turn against the formers. They would then probably turn against me if something were to happen to our marriage, God forbid. This makes me feel awful towards them and it makes me feel strange about having my baby around them...wondering what their real feelings are for the baby and her mother. I hinted this one afternoon when I told my sister-in-law that I could imagine the celebration the family would have if my husband ever left me. You know what? She confirmed that the celebration would be grand. Of course, sister-in-law was joking but...you know there may have been real sincerity behind that joke.

So what have I learned from all this? As Catholics, I think our perception of marriage is very different from that of our Protestant brothers and sisters. Because we see marriage as a sacrament that should not be broken, a sign of God's presence and grace, it stands to reason that sacramental marriage must be respected and mourned when it is lost. Protestants, many of whom do not see marriage as sacramental, seem to view it as something that can be dropped, replaced, put on hold? I don't know. I think it must have something to do with the love as action as opposed to love as feeling argument. Commitment and all that stuff. Again, I'm not saying that marriages should never end. A lot of times there is very good reason for their endings, but I do feel that marriage must be respected for the life it gives to the couple and mourned when that life is irrevocably extinguished. Though many Christians claim to uphold and defend marriage, when push comes to shove...when it hits their home...it seems many are quick to change with the wind. My husband has been hurt by the hypocrisy he has seen with his parents. He, too, expected higher principles from people who have long held traditional conservative beliefs about the sanctity of marriage. I guess actions speak louder than words after all. What could have been different? What I needed from my in-laws was a mourning period for both marriages. I needed them to express sadness over the dissolution of both unions and I needed them to show evidence of this sadness to me and my family. I needed for them to express disapproval (at least to me and my husband) over the new situations that were forming too quickly. And, finally, I guess I needed for them to remind my husband and me that they still support us in our marriage and that they would be terribly disappointed if we ever decided to follow suit. Now, my fear is that my in-laws are waiting me out...that they're hoping for a new wife for my husband that will be somehow better than I could ever be. And what does that mean for my children? It means that I have become more protective of them than ever; it means I want to keep them away from my parents-in-law's influence. How can that be a good thing?

So, yet, another example of how divorce affects more than just the immediate family. It extends to the extended family and can have disastrous effects if it is not dealt with for the better.